I’m fast asleep. The next minute I am subject to a cat ninja strike – all four paws landing heavily on my stomach after a single leap from floor.
“Open the door! Quick! I need to go out immediately!”
This isn’t a plea for a toilet break. She has a litter tray in the bathroom which she regularly uses. At my peril I ignore the ninja activity, I turn over and try to go back to sleep.
What sounds like someone running their nails down a blackboard, registers in my brain. The cat has this crazy method of signalling she wants to go out by scraping both her front claws down the glass on the balcony door, very rapidly.
“Are you sure? It’s starting to rain and the wind is blowing hard…..”
I know her trick. She just wants to look outside then will come straight back in.
“Let me out. NOW, I have to go out and hunt for enemy mice. If I don’t, the world will be overrun with them…”
I clamber sleepily out of bed, and open the balcony door, through which she has access to the garden. A force ten gale almost knocks me off my feet. The cat pokes her nose out gingerly. I encourage her to go out, using my foot. The internal bedroom door then bangs shut with the force of the wind. The cat assures me she needs it open as she has to have permanent access to her food and litter tray. I wedge the internal door open with a stuffed toy and a leopardskin furry slipper. I climb back into bed. It’s like sleeping in a wind tunnel! Husband is still asleep and oblivious to all this…..
0323 and 20 seconds.
I get out of bed, shut the balcony door.
Cat decides to ask to be let out again, but uses a different approach. She stealthily climbs up on the bed, approaching from the side of my pillow, and proceeds to make herself comfortable by sitting on my head. I am lying on my side so she settles down on my head with one paw draped over my right eye, and her little furry chin on my neck. I can feel her cold nose and her breath. She is purring very loudly. I cannot move. I pretend to be asleep, but she knows I’m not.
Cat decides she wants a drink so she climbs over my head and onto my bedside table and helps herself to my glass of water. I can hear her raspy tongue slapping against the water. I may as well put her name on the glass, she does this almost every night…
The cat wanders back to the closed balcony door, and finding it closed, does a second ninja leap onto my thigh, her pointy legs walking all over me like I’m being massaged by wooden spoon handles. She then return to the door and starts making noises, mewing in a very grumpy, cross, grumbly sort of way, that only a cat owner would understand….
Husband gets up grumpily and proceeds to open the door for her.
Don’t bother, I tell him, she’ll be back in ten seconds.
Door is opened.
Cat returns in ten seconds…….
I have to get up for the loo. Cat wakes from a deep coma and turns into a furry rocket in a nanosecond. She races me to the kitchen.
“I’m so hungry! I need food! Why don’t you ever feed me?”
“You had a whole bowl at bedtime. How could you possibly need more? Can’t you wait until we get up for breakfast?”
“Feed me NOW! Can’t you see how skinny I am? I might die of starvation!
Cat gets fed. I stumble about in the dark and open a new bag of Go-Cat beef and chicken……
I wake up with a dead leg due to cat sleeping on my knee…..