Victoria Wood RIP

One of Britain’s best loved and funniest comediennes, an award winning screenwriter and actress, has died.

imageVictoria Wood was aged 62 and she really was a ‘national treasure’.  Her one-woman stage shows were always sold out, and she was highly respected by many other comedians and celebrities.  She was well-known for her witty songs, and jokes, in her routine.   Her are a few of her funniest one-liners……

Life’s not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.

My children won’t even eat chips because some know-all bastard at school told them a potato was a vegetable.

When I told jokes about cystitis, people would write in and say, “I’ve got cystitis and it isn’t funny,” so I would reply, “Well, send it back and ask for one that is.”

Foreplay is like beefburgers – three minutes on each side.

I sometimes think that being widowed is God’s way of telling you to come off the Pill.

I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry.

It will be a traditional Christmas, with presents, crackers, door slamming and people bursting into tears, but without the dead thing in the middle. We’re vegetarians.

I’ve got a degree, does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I’ve also got a life-saving certificate, but I don’t spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.

Tony Blair puts two poems in a bus shelter and calls it a university.

People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you seeing the television properly.

All my friends started getting boyfriends, but I didn’t want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro.

I haven’t got a waist. I’ve just got a sort of place, a bit like an unmarked level crossing.

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years.

The first day I met my producer, she said, “I’m a radical feminist lesbian.” I thought what would the Queen Mum do? So I just smiled and said, “We shall have fog by tea-time.”


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